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March 01 Those Dancing Days Are GoneIt seems i haven't been there in AGES. I took the whole morning reading every entry line by line, trying to remind myself the picture of my past life. I've been many places, met many people since then, however, didn't keep a single word. Life is all about change. Those dancing days are gone. July 13 Feeling, is complicated我喜欢这种感觉的我。ISIS请客，巫山烤鱼。很好吃，只是因为是下午，不太饿，所以吃不太多。放下电话，扎起头发，洗了把脸就出门了。我喜欢这种感觉，简单的T-Shirt, Jeans, 懒洋洋的凉拖，不需要刻意的装扮，就这样，素面朝天，很好。
看到HAMMER还是很震撼。HAMMER是最适合旅驾的，车上应配上最棒的摄影器材，一路扬长。让那些我所爱过的人，如离逝的风，成为过往。
城铁车站，后来决定和ISIS去看天安门夜景。空旷的候车大厅，除了我们两个人，大家都匆匆奔命。其实那个时刻我想的更多的是，也许几年以后，这种心态也就一去不回了。
天安门夜景。很ISIS比起来，我确实晒黑了很多。大家都说这是很时髦的小麦色，但是用老妈和奶奶的审美眼光来看，这无疑很难看。决定在天安门前照这张合影时发现对这个城市还是很留念的。广场上到处都是人，到处都是旅行团，每个人都是很兴奋很朝拜的样子，而对于像我们这样的人来说，Feeling, is complicated... Sometimes, when u is about to leaving or lost sth, u'll appreciate it more than other times, that's life, that's all. July 06 革命青年的热情 昨天和小姨简单汇报了一下毕业旅行日程安排，结果遭到了严重批判，结论为革命青年的不切实际的热情。可是怎么办呢，像我们这样的年纪，好像除了热情就一无所有了。见到小Q，有一种说不上来的感觉，突然间就觉得这孩子长大了，有了一点“女人味儿”，其实我是不愿发这样的感慨的，因为，显得自己好像老了一样。
昨天看一本原版的介绍欧洲旅行的书，开始一点也看不下去，现在对英文很抵触，密密麻麻罗列不知何处的地名又多的那种就更是如此。后来看到爱琴海那一章，Mykonos岛，想世界上还真有这样的地方，到处是炫目的蓝白，梦境般不切实际。然后想以后有钱有闲了，也写点这样的游记，图文并茂的，又有成就感。
现在充分理解人言可畏这句话了，都什么和什么呀，一片混乱。开始接到那些短信只是觉得很有趣，后来就觉得很无奈，自己这里还一片未知一片混乱呢，还要充分体恤一颗纯真的小心灵，我体恤别人，谁来体恤我呢？真不想这么善良。
July 05 开始相信缘份这回事了 前天想了很久，还是决定给R写一封邮件，虽然心里很清楚他多半是不会回的。轻描淡写的说了一下自己的近况，顺便问了问他的，然后忐忑的按下发送，瞬间觉得很释然。下午回学校，WY请吃饭，黄记煌，三汁锅，这顿考研饭其实更像散伙饭。晚上回宿舍，发现了BT上自己喜欢的TV Show，激动的让JIA帮我保存种子，决心第二天要带移动硬盘把它们全部收入，毕竟250G不是盖的。在回家的车上又把以前的一幕幕过了一下，觉得还是绚丽的不现实，然后有一点责备自己真不该发那封邮件，然后下决心一个星期都不要查邮箱，但是一回家，第一件事便是开电脑，结果如意料般失望了。
我觉得到目前为止，我的人生过得还算顺利，但是却鲜有奇迹发生。
昨天和Marco，Liz一起去了Roelof的Farewell Party@Reef Bar。见到了他的ABC女朋友，人很Nice，并且是Serious Relationship，8错。然后和Roelof的一大群荷兰朋友聊天，从Soccer到City，虽然除了Amsterdam和Rotterdam，其他的城市我都不知道哪是哪，不过还是挺开心的。这群荷兰人特认真，一旦我对他们所说的城市露出半点疑惑的神态，就会一板一眼的以Amsterdam和Rotterdam为地标为我MAP它们。我觉得荷兰人和中国人最大的不同之处就是，无论自己家乡的城市多么小，多么平凡，也一定会认为家乡最好，用他们自己的话说就是，there're lots of bars, restaurants, and the most important, all my friends are in there. 后来Roelof极力邀请之后去China doll，想了想还是决定不通宵了，用Dutch的方式和Roelof告别，其实还是有一点不习惯的，有时候从一个国家的礼数就可以窥见性格，这话真是一点不为过。
然后和Marco在路灯下聊了很久，对接下来的两周假期生活充满了期待。就突然觉得讨好自己也不是一件太复杂的事。可是在回来的出租车上又开始胡思乱想，R传给我的歌，R和那封邮件，想要不要再查一下邮箱，想R究竟是怎么看我的。自己都觉得自己很可笑，也不小了，却不停纠缠于这种琐碎的小细节。结果恍惚间出租车司机错过了转弯的路口，决定下车自己走回学校，走过天佑会堂的时候眼泪无法抑制的就流了下来，在黑暗中觉得谁都没有错，可能真的是缘份不够吧。
现在觉得所谓幸福就是喜欢的人，喜欢自己的人，有缘的人可以三合为一，这个几率大概就是幸福的几率吧。
开始相信缘份这回事了。
因为不想自己陷得太深，其实我这个人不是太信命，可是有时候既然人事已尽，唯一的解脱大概就是听天命了。
不过，还是想收到R的信。。。 June 25 Farewell...farewell...i don't wanna say much about this, cos everyone has to face such farewell moment. four years, for one's life, not so long and abslutely not short. pains, happiness, each one has their own story. so just cherish, whatever it gave us, forever...
June 21 happy birth - let it be今天生日。 一个很久以前的朋友发短信说“时间好像就是被用来感叹的，上一次说生日快乐应该已经是十年前的事了吧？我们也终于到了能够用这种时间跨度回忆的年龄了，想想还是值得感叹一下的。说到最后，还是祝你生日快乐吧。” 可能这是我收到的最伤感的生日祝福了。虽然句句都是实话。当我们可以动辄用十年来说事儿时，想想，也挺可怕的。这并不是什么畏惧年老色衰的小女人心态，只是好像突然间觉得被推上了一个应该对自己负责的年纪。我曾经对自已大学阶段的最后一个假期设想过无数可能，现在回头看看，还挺单纯幼稚的。那时候步子走得太急，不太懂得享受整个过程，也不太清楚自己真正想要的是什么。不过热情却是实实在在的。那时候把一些琐细的东西看得太重了，就像画素描一样，不利于整个画幅的布局和勾勒，于是在这有限的热情中，很多真正重要的事情就轻易放手了。不过这都是后话了，其实道来并没有太多意义，或者更确切的说是，太多实际意义。 我已经有很久很久没有过像现在这样的生活了，一个人吃饭，旅行，到处走走停停；看书，写信，自己对话谈心。每天都可以Take Time To Think，think the true meaning of my life。这种感觉真的很好。记得一个朋友曾经说，如果一件东西是你发自内心真正想要的，那么得到后就不会失落。而我大学这四年，或者可以包括高中，的状态是，得到后总会失落。 我总分不清是自己想太多还是太少了。反正两者都不好。 身边一些朋友每天活得小心翼翼，未雨绸缪，虽然这和自己的人生观有些相左，但既然大家都是在认真的生活，自然也无可厚非。 cos the trip is to keep moving forward, to let go of the fear and the regret that slow us down and keep us from enjoying a journey that will be over too soon. so just let it be, that's really the point. May 11 Yoga is a horrible sport!yesterday accompanied my boss, xiangqin, to her Yoga class. cos some of my classmates were crazy about it, so when xiangqin asked me to go with her, i showed a deep interest. but in fact, i must say, Yoga is a horrible sport, at least to me. so i think it was my first class and definitely the last. the main aim of Yoga is to require people to do some torturing actions and keep them for quite a long time. and when u in the torturing time, the coach would in her soft voice to say that now u're lost ur weight!
almost all the memebers in the class are some rich lady (they have a rich husband, they don't need to work, the only thing they worried is that if they lost their beauty and slim, their husbands would find a mistress).
i guess maybe the coach got a bit angry of me cos i don't dress in a professional Yoga clothes, so she always pointed out my fault =( after the class when i back home, my whole body hurt and at mid night i suddenly had a bad fever, which really upseted me =( that's the reason why i matched Yoga with a relationship of horrible.
at the beginning of Yoga class, some of the members felt a bit strange when i took the picture.
what a torturing action of Yoga!
luckily this pic is taken before the class, cos after it, the only thing i want to do is cry, smile no way! May 01 Mobile Phone Photo ShowWet at all (see my poor jeans). what an unlucky day, just caught the heavy storm. Even with an umbrella, u'll find actually it can't do anything at all =(
passby bar. with a bit artistic atmosphere.
The poor brothers were giving performance, which seemed very daugerous, in front of Zhongguancun IT products mall. such sight always make me lost the confidence for china. what a big gaps between the rich and the poor. yes, unfairs are almost everywhere among the world, but why displayed in such an extremely way with such ironic effect.
on the way to visit Isis. April 30 梦里不知身是客 明天就是五一长假了，今天公司里很多部门都只上半天班，我所在实习的部门是为数不多的几个全天。楼道里静悄悄的，突然感觉很落寞。
很想写一写自己现在的状态，可是又不知从何写起，好像从考完G后一直在实习，截然不同的公司，截然不同的部门，截然不同的工作。但也好像有一些东西是相似的。比如最初的兴奋和抱负，中间心理上的落差和坚持，以及最后像看破红尘般殊途同归的感触。可能生活的实质就是如此，不可能每天都有新鲜感，在日子与日子之间的交替中，需要一些智慧和勇气来权衡。
近来每周都有机会见一些以前的朋友，感觉大家对很多问题都有了成熟的看法。有时候觉得成熟的定义好像就是对一些以前看似不可承受的事情有了平和的心态，说白了，就是被生活打磨的世俗了。世俗是个中性词，没有什么褒贬意，我的意思是其实这很好。这样我们就可以脚踏实地的来思考未来的问题了。也可以更清楚的认识自己。
昨天学姐发短信告诉我她接到清华交通研究所的OFFER了，做助理研究员。这是学姐梦寐以求的，可以不放弃自己的专业，从事的工作又比较有技术含量。我很羡慕学姐，好像人生的大事都在有条不紊的进行着。学姐说五一会和她的BF一起搬去他们的新家，明年一定会结婚。学姐说他们的婚礼会从简，因为花的都是自己的钱。我看着学姐幸福的计划着他们的未来，觉得自己好像一无所有，其实学姐只比我大三岁，而三年后的我又会是个什么状态呢？
总觉得现在的生活好像并不是我想要的，而从前的那些快乐也只是因为没有顾得上思考隐藏在表象后的问题而一味天真。其实这两种状态并没有本质上的区别，只是心理上会感觉不同而已。我最近一直在思考成就感这个问题，其实这是个有点自欺欺人的问题。好像全部取决于我们自己定的目标。如果定一个很EASY的目标，每个人都会很容易有成就感，反之则不然。一个人在一个平稳的状态，平稳的生活，纵然有平实中的幸福与快乐，但我想这是我40岁以后会去考虑的问题，当然，前提是如果我还可以有机会去考虑。
这个世界上做什么事情都有风险成本，覆水难收，或许很多年以后可以回过头来看一些对错的因果，至于现在，还是任性为之吧。 April 13 After This Our ExileA film, be it good or bad,
can never satisfy each and every one of its audience. My only wish is that, upon seeing this film, you will discover someting meaningful or memorable. If this film ever touches your heart, I hope it comes not from an excess of sentiments, but a moving experience that endures reflection. Patrick Tam
一部作品,好与坏,
不可能满足每一位观众. 我只希望 您能自戏中找到一些 有意义或难以忘怀的东西. 若本片到最后能令您有些感触, 我希望那不是伤感的沉溺, 而是清醒的感动. 谭家明
Innocece comment:
how to explain my feeling, let's just say, sometimes people can become as cruel as they can under such called "social potential rules", but we can't blame anyone, for everyone has the right to choose his way.
The only word i wanna say, is that, let's remember all the nice moments, once, we poured our pure love into them, ignored all the negative outcomes. we devoted ourselves all, for one person, even just last one secs, it's enough. April 09 Kochmutzen againFor my first office dinner and the last, the same German restaurant, Kochmutzen.
The owner, a pretty humorous guy, always asked me ordered my dishes in German. Happily, everybody thought i had a superb German pronunciation, COOL!
Meike, me, Xiong qiong, Roelof, Liz, Kim and Marco.
Liz, Kim and Marco, with the flowers, haha =)
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Shutter Speed:1/1000 Aperture:4.0 Exposure:+/- 0 ISO:100 April 03 Last Day of My Internshiplast day at the office, ask Marco be my background, we both pretend very professional, haha...
with roelof, my colleague, lunch mate, party boy, almost every body thought he can speak chinese, but in fact, he's dutch. for every lunch discussion, seldom we had the same opinion... =(
with my boss, kim, very nice, for my last work lunch, kim invited us Pizza Hut!
with marco, for this photo, both we want to make a professional post, made roalof, who take the pic, really upset... haha...the first day i met marco at the office, i speaked little, he thought i'm a professional employee of jabgo, i must say, the first time, people think i'm professional, made me so happy. but soon, he changed his opinion...
with xiong qiong and marco, xiong qiong is our accountant, love her life style very much, hope one day i can live such a life like hers.
Nan Jie bar, at my farewell party, with marco, suddenly found orange vodka tasty! i like my smile in this photo very much, erh, innocent!
with marine, happily, we give the farewell party together, now she has already been in Paris a few days. she always call me cute girl, but in fact, i think she's cuter than me, haha...
with marco, in front of my favorite bar, Baby face, what an amazing background!
heard the right music, suddenly, every body danced on the street=) Virginie and Hong, good dancer!
met 唐会 by chance, once it was my dream bar, but not any more... March 29 Tibet Restaurantyesterday evening had lunch with zhuoma and some interns of hutong-school at a tibet restaurant, so AMAZING! the food is ok, very European style, i don't know why every province at the edge of china, like Yunnan, Tibet, etc. serves such exotic food...
too many interns will leave at the end of March, so sad... tomorrow marine and me will give the farewell party together. This morning i got her call from Xi'an, surprised me, she's still in Xi'an! Last weekend, almost every intern of hutong-school went to xi'an, for Terracotta Army. to me, xi'an is such a boring city. but some interns said to me that they think xi'an is like south france. if it's true, i don't want to visit south france.
during dinner, sometimes we danced with the traditional tibetians, followed their strange style, very funny but okay. the tibetians live such a life without any restriction of their feeling, not like us.
all in all, finally i achived my dream that have dinner with zhuoma together, so happy. tomorrow, farewell party for the three months internship, may everything goes well. A new start is waiting for me ahead, a long way to go, come on, Innocence!!!
zhuoma, me and tonny.
tibet perfomance.
concentrate on the performance!
tibetian style dancing.
follow the style, dance with the tibetian together.
roelof, me and virginie. roelof, my colleague in jabgo, every work day we had dinner together and discussed almost every society topic and our opinions always opposite. the funny thing is that our first topic is "one night stand", haha... virginie, really good dancer... i think i should begin to learn salsa with XY =) March 25 Bookworm, SundaySpend the whole morning at the liberary, took an online test for PHP engineer, so boring... Sometimes it's really hard to judge whether i'm a logical girl or emotional.
Happily meet Marco and two new friends, from New Zealand, at Bookworm. It's a really amazing bookstore, besides many interesting books, it also serves superb food and drink. While waiting them, i found an really interesting book, Madame Chang Kai-Shek. No idea why i always had an deep interest on this woman. yes she's beautiful, well educated, and independent. she was so special.
We four had a nice talk, the two girls showed us the pictures of New Zealand, and i find it's a really amazing place. i love the nature views there, snow mountain, green land... must be a perfect place for photography. i can't help myself imaging visit there my last sumer holiday, and at that time, there will be winter, cool!
After a nice time at the bookstore, we had a long walk around Sanlitun. Nice day today, sunshine and pretty warm. We made a deal that someday must go to the KTV together. The two New Zealand girls are very nice, they are ready to help people get rid of their problems.
I don't know why, during the walk, some sad past, suddenly flash to my mind. maybe just because our chat topic. I should be happy, no reason to refuse it.
Deborah and me at McDonald's.
Deborah and Marco.
Marco and me. March 03 Question GameQ1: If u see the one u deeply loved fall in slept, what u might do? A1: sitting beside him, reading my favorite book silently. Q2: please write down ur favorite song, and why? A2: 红豆, by Faye Wong. My favorite singer, in fact, i love almost every song of hers, for this one, maybe because it's the only song that can stay in my mp3 player without deletion. Q3: when u have no idea for dressing in what color , u will choose which one? A3: Always Black. Q4: what's ur most regretful thing in 2006? A4: did't spent much time accompany my grandma, for she always by my side when i was a child. Q5: please mention one thing that most moved u. A5: xxx said if i can't find a right person to get married on my 30, he can wait to marry me, what a nice guy! Q6: who u like most, dad or mom? why? A6: mom, always give me much free space and doesn't ask "why" when i feel not like to answer. Q7: please list five things u most want to own. A7: house in Zurich, minicooper (blue), diving licence (expert level), a real paiting of Vicent van Gogh, offer of UCLA. Q8: if u have a chance travel to any place in the world, which one u'd like to choose? A8: Maldives. Q9: u always can't help in crush with which guy? A9: myself, haha, okay, u can say i'm a narcissist. Q10: if time can go back, which date u want to get back to? A10: can't remember the date exactly, and i'm not a person always miss the old days. Q11: ur most favorite book? A11: The Age of Innocence Q12: what's the thing u most want to do on ur birthday this year? A12: get my dream lens for Nicon D70s. Q13: write down a couple whom u admire most. A13: 沈从文 & 三三 Q14: what kind of people u think most deserve compassion? A14: never devote themselve to love, to enjoy life, to face themselve in a frank way. Q15: ur most favorite movie? A15: The Shawshank Redemption Q16: the person of what's career u most want to get married? A16: architect. Q17: what's the thing most upset u recently? A17: having a bad fever so frequently. Q18: have u ever seriously considerd about the future of yourself (including long-term and short-term) A18: never. Q19: please write down three reasons for happiness? A19: always have sth to expected, always live a meaningful life, always keep curious. Q20: u want to spend the final day of the world with whom? A20: Mom. Q21: what's the thing u most can't stand in ur life. A21: mediocrity. Q22: if the one u deeply loved would get marreid to other person, would u attained his/her wedding. A22: why not? Q23: if u find the one u deeply loved no longer loved u, what shoud u do? A23: break up with him peacefully, and ask him whether we can be best friends. Q24: when will u want to get marreid? A24: when meet my Mr. Right. Q25: the one u deeply loved, and the one deeply loved u, which one u would choose to get married. A25: why so many questions about marriage? for this question, latter. Q26: u would focus on which part of the person u're talking with. A26: eyes. Q27: do u believe in forever love? A27: erh, no. Q28: what's ur favorite coffee? why? A28: Latti, lots milk. Q29: please use one word to describe yourself. A29: independent.
February 26 ReunionSometimes time is an incredible thing, it has the power to sculpt everying. Comparing to the boys and girls on their sixteen or seventeen, i think i'm too old to dream, to admire, to persist, to immerse, and to devote myself. In front of time, i'm the loser, always...
hope we can always have such smiles, as young as now.
having lunch with my dear friends at a Japanese restarant, 德川家. We spend almost 5hrs there, chatting, from lunch time till they started to serve dinner. our old days, future, every uncertain thing, just let it be...
February 20 New Hair Style =)This morning awaked by the messege tune of my cell phone, it was Isis, informing me that tomorrow we'll have a gathering party, with high-school classmates. At first, in fact, i was not very eager to go, but she said it might be the last party for the class of high school, though i don't know why last, we're still young, promise her i'll sure go. So sleepy the whole day. i really don't know why, during the spring festival, every day slept for more than 10hrs, still feel tired and sleepy. Mom said maybe because i slept too long, i don't believe such explaination. Then afternoon, deciding to change my hair style, half for tomorrow's gathering party, half for changing my mood. i mean, i need sth to excite my nerve. To my surprise, so few people in the hairsalon, and my hairdresser is a pretty cute guy. it took me less than 30min, every thing is done, i love efficiency, hope every thing can be done like this. Tomorrow's party will be held in a new bar, never heard about its name, 心诡-杀人 bar, a pretty horrible name, but exciting. i guess maybe after graduating, some guys will leave to another city or country, so it might be hardly for us to get togather, sadly... during one's life journey, we can hardly figure out how many times have to say goodbye. To our dear friends, to our family, temporarily, permanently, whatever... since we can't change the coming ending, do it in a optimistic and easy way, no tear, no farewell presentation, just like a daily goodbye, say 'see you', is enough.
see, my new hair style, the similar style with my MSN logo, a little cartoon, but okay, hahaha... February 12 sth about my internship in JABGO This thursday, Feb. 15th, I'll have my internship in JABGO exactly two months. I'm very happy these days, for all my colleagues and my boss, Kim, are very nice to me. We had many crazy parties and went to lots amazing bars, TAKU (big discout on thursday), Babyface (my favorite), ALFA (though that day a bit crowded, the music it serves is good), Zoo bar (Thijs' surprising birthday party, perfect music, cute DJ) and POOL (a good place to play some games with ur friends).
The first month, mainly worked for Rutger, xiashou.cn. My work is to search some good chinese links for this website and do some translating works. The first one, I must say, is not as simple as I supposed at first. In china, concerning to one subject, there are numerous websites, but the perfect are seldom. Some websites don't update for a long time, some even didn't complete, but they all have a seemed good main page and sometimes the update time auto adjust to the newly date, so hardly detect they are just some bush untill u checked almost each subpage. Last week, for the office moving, we worked at home for three days, through SKYPE, Kim told me maybe we can make xiashou.cn work on a HK host company, instand the German one, before Rutger and Thijs ending their travel in Tibet, I do think it will be a big surprise for all of us, then I can continue to search the links for xiashou.cn. Before I ending my intership, i hope xiashou.cn can be strongly competitive among all local search websites.
The begining of the second month till now my work is related to oscommerce. It's a brand-new field to me, for in china and in my class, we mostly use shopex and the two are different in many aspects. Many first times to me during this month, sometimes it's really tough, and even drive me mad, especially when the real conditions were so different with the books or without any information for reference. During the period, the TAIWAN earthquake made our net speed really mess, u can hardly imagine how disapointed the net was. Many times i want to talk to Kim, 'sorry, i can't do it.' But i want to ,or eager to prove myself. Now the result is pretty good, maybe tomorrow, i can upload the online shop with my name in the bottom line, i think all the endeavors are worth.
Except parties and works, i also attained some meaningful activities during my internship. one of them is Young Professionals Forum at the Dutch embassy, lauched by Bencham - Chamber of Commerce of the Benelux countries (Belgium, the Netherlands and Luxemburgh). To tell the truth, the lecture is a little boring, at least for me, becauce i can't help thinking my game boy during it. But when some youngs sentenced their ideas confidently to the speaker, i can feel their ambition, which i lack. It's true that ambition can help people gain their success easily. During the cocktail networking, I had a nice talk with my colleagues, we got much familiar with each other, that's cool. BTW, i do think the dutch queen has a Rock and Roll style, haha...
Last but not least, i want to say some words about Zhuoma, everybody said she's very nice before i see her and finally she is not let me down. I like her, she's so lovely, easy to get along, and also easy to get drunk, haha... we talked a lot at the chinese party. She shared many her stories to me, i like her simple way of life, happy, laughing, sad, crying. I know i'm not such person, that's the reason why i like Zhuoma very much.
Can't expect i would write too many words for my internship. Thanks for my colleagues, gave me many helps to resolve the problems I met, Thanks for JABGO, gave me the chance to experiece all the hapiness and gains.
Young Professionals Forum at the Dutch embassy, with my colleagues.
chinese pary, zhuoma and me. i'm the only one not dressed in traditional chinese suit, what a pity! |
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